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Tiger Woods Jokes

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YourTeacher
12/11/09, 7:07pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #1
Posted: 12/11/09, 7:07pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #1
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Forum Rookie

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What was Tiger Woods' wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?


Clubbing

__________________________________________________________________________ _____


What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?


Tiger can drive a golf ball 350 yards without hitting a tree or finding a water hazard.



________________________________________________________________________________

S o when Tiger Woods' wife ask him to tell her something that would make her happy and sad, what did he say?


Tiger said, "Baby, of all your friends, you have the tightest pussy".

__________________________________________________________________________________




Please add your own if you like!

RichyC
12/11/09, 7:32pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #2
Posted: 12/11/09, 7:32pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #2
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What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

__________________________________________________________________________________________ _______

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

____________________________________________________________________________________________ _____

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

___________________________________________________________________________________________ ______

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

_________________________________________________________________________________________ ________

This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards

___________________________________________________________________________________________ ______

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife






Brintney James
12/11/09, 7:39pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #3
Posted: 12/11/09, 7:39pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #3
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Brintney James
PERFORMER

LMAO :orglaugh :thumbsup thats some funny stuff.

Vanity Valentine
12/11/09, 8:35pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #4
Posted: 12/11/09, 8:35pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #4
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Vanity Valentine
PERFORMER
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's!

But seriously, only Tiger Woods could hit a tree, and have 11 women fall out :orglaugh

Miss Pandora
12/12/09, 12:04am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #5
Posted: 12/12/09, 12:04am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #5
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Miss Pandora
PERFORMER
So...you may have heard, Tiger's leaving golf indefinitely. Apparently, when he comes back, tho, he's gonna be changing his name. Instead of Tiger, he's gonna be Cheetah.

:)

Suggs
12/12/09, 4:39am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #6
Posted: 12/12/09, 4:39am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #6
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Anyone think Tiger has been practiscing

BEDROOM GOLF?

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

***********************

An italian, a scotsman and Tiger woods were discussing their affairs.

The italina said If I had another mnistress I would have a Netball team,

The scot said - Ahh If I had another mistress I'd have a rugby team,

Tiger said - Thats nothing - If I had another mistress I would have my own golf course !

Suggs
12/12/09, 2:23pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #7
Posted: 12/12/09, 2:23pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #7
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Man hits on to a Cocktail Waitress and she responds. In bed she announces that she once was the mistress of Tiger Woods!
As a keen golfer himself, this proves an extra turn.After a fast and furious fuck, he lies back smuggly on his bed, reaches for a cigarette and says: "Wow! That was great! Mind if I smoke?"
She answers: "Tiger wouldn't do that!"
Suprised, he enquires: "What would he do?"
"He'd fuck me again!"
So he clambers on again....and fucks her again.
After he's in need of a drink so asks if she wants anything ordered from Room Service.
She answers: "Tiger wouldn't do that!"
"Go on..." he sighs "What would he do?"
"He'd fuck me again!"
The guys hanging but remembers a small wrap of Coke and a Viagra tab in his wallet, kept for such emergencies, so makes his excuses to administer both in the bathroom.
Revived some time later, he's ready to go again and plunges in yet again.... this time performing like an Olympic Athlete!
Eventually he deposits his muck for the 3rd time, collapsing by her side and pants"Wow....that was amazing! Sorry Hun...I'm fucked! Forgive me if I crash..."
"Tiger wouldn't do that!" she blurts
"Go on..." he sighs "What would he do? No let me guess...He'd fuck you again right???!"
"He would actually" she replies...
With that, he grabs the bedside phone and asks for an external line...
"Who ya phoning?" she enquires
"Tiger" he replies "Tiger Fucking Woods!"
"Why?" she shouts
"COZ I WANNA FIND OUT WHAT PAR THIS FUCKIN' HOLE IS!!!!"

Suggs
12/12/09, 2:23pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #8
Posted: 12/12/09, 2:23pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #8
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Man hits on to a Cocktail Waitress and she responds. In bed she announces that she once was the mistress of Tiger Woods!
As a keen golfer himself, this proves an extra turn.After a fast and furious fuck, he lies back smuggly on his bed, reaches for a cigarette and says: "Wow! That was great! Mind if I smoke?"
She answers: "Tiger wouldn't do that!"
Suprised, he enquires: "What would he do?"
"He'd fuck me again!"
So he clambers on again....and fucks her again.
After he's in need of a drink so asks if she wants anything ordered from Room Service.
She answers: "Tiger wouldn't do that!"
"Go on..." he sighs "What would he do?"
"He'd fuck me again!"
The guys hanging but remembers a small wrap of Coke and a Viagra tab in his wallet, kept for such emergencies, so makes his excuses to administer both in the bathroom.
Revived some time later, he's ready to go again and plunges in yet again.... this time performing like an Olympic Athlete!
Eventually he deposits his muck for the 3rd time, collapsing by her side and pants"Wow....that was amazing! Sorry Hun...I'm fucked! Forgive me if I crash..."
"Tiger wouldn't do that!" she blurts
"Go on..." he sighs "What would he do? No let me guess...He'd fuck you again right???!"
"He would actually" she replies...
With that, he grabs the bedside phone and asks for an external line...
"Who ya phoning?" she enquires
"Tiger" he replies "Tiger Fucking Woods!"
"Why?" she shouts
"COZ I WANNA FIND OUT WHAT PAR THIS FUCKIN' HOLE IS!!!!"

D9ITL8R
12/16/09, 4:50pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #9
Posted: 12/16/09, 4:50pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #9
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Couldn't resist sharing this one :thumbsup


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the Children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
Leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
And will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
Questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


POOR TIGER :drinkup

Loona
12/16/09, 5:33pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #10
Posted: 12/16/09, 5:33pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #10
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Loona
PERFORMER
Well... when I was talking with my friend and telling about all that Woods drama - she laughed and thought I was joking when I said... that his wife is a Swedish blonde sex-bomb model :P

Funny, isn't it?

xulescu
12/22/09, 4:31am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #11
Posted: 12/22/09, 4:31am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #11
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A Lion would never betray his wife, but Tiger Wood! :drinkup :drinkup :drinkup

D9ITL8R
12/22/09, 10:11am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #12
Posted: 12/22/09, 10:11am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #12
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Say it ain't so TIGER,

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees,
he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new golf bag! :bowdown


You should have stuck to the fairway TIGER, and stayed out of the MUFF :drinkup

I mean Ruff :orglaugh

Kevin James
12/22/09, 10:28am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #13
Posted: 12/22/09, 10:28am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #13
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Kevin James
PERFORMER
Jokes were hilarious but Tiger is my boy.

We ALL make mistakes but unfortunately when your a superstar your dirty laundry gets aired internationally.

He owes nothing to anyone other than the apology to his wife (hope he did not change his pre-nup to give her more to stay if she is leaving) and of course God will do the rest.

Woods is an amazing golfer and even his sponsor's that support him will continue to get from him what he owes them only "playing good golf".

Role models are the job of parents not superstar athletes, celebrities or anyone else for that matter.

GO WOODS...it will be a long and expensive 2009 but 2010 will be Amazing.

On another note to go with the flow here.

This is a reminder that every man needs to remember that dropping your WOOD on to many greens can get you into trouble!

KJ

Have fun with the thread everyone:)

elmonitoloco
12/22/09, 7:04pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #14
Posted: 12/22/09, 7:04pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #14
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Not necessarily any jokes here, just something that made me go 'hmm'
Slogan of companies who sponsor(ed) Tiger:
Nike - just do it
Gatorade - is it in you
Gillette - the best a man can get
hmmm ,,, to easy to come up with jokes were the slogan is the punchline.

A little trick with phonetics - more potential jokes:
Nike ~ nookie
Gatorade ~ get-her-laid

Comedians were given joke material on a rhodium platter.

:twocents
A lot of pre-nup's are voided when infidelity is involved (cheating on someone you married is not acceptable behavior). My opinion, he owes his wife a minimum of 50% of everything and he has a lot to explain to his daughter and son.
KJ, your logic is non sequitur - an enormous percentage of superstar athletes and celebrities are a father or mother ('superstars,' like any parent, need to be a role model to their children).

Suggs
12/24/09, 5:51am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #15
Posted: 12/24/09, 5:51am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #15
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbos phone number was in his Blackberry.

Hed been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
Hed been cheatin with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joslyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.


From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tigers sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.


Despite all his cryin and beggin' and pleadin',
Tigers wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If youre gettin' laid then Im gettin' paid."

Shes not pouting, in fact, shes of jolly good cheer,
Cause her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

D9ITL8R
12/24/09, 7:00am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #16
Posted: 12/24/09, 7:00am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #16
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Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbos phone number was in his Blackberry.

Hed been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
Hed been cheatin with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joslyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.


From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tigers sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.


Despite all his cryin and beggin' and pleadin',
Tigers wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If youre gettin' laid then Im gettin' paid."

Shes not pouting, in fact, shes of jolly good cheer,
Cause her prenup made Christmas come early this year.





:thumbsup :thumbsup

:orglaugh :orglaugh :orglaugh

D9ITL8R
1/18/10, 8:36pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #17
Posted: 1/18/10, 8:36pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #17
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Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !

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THE FROG AND GOLF



A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.


You must be a lucky frog, hey ?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one..

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."


" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it..

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.

"And thatis how the girl ended up in my room Elin.

So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

:angel :drinkup

Suggs
1/26/10, 12:11am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #18
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish those bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

SlVlASl-l
1/26/10, 12:20am (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #19
Posted: 1/26/10, 12:20am (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #19
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish those bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


it was funnier when d9 told it
:winkwink :mad

D9ITL8R
3/13/10, 1:03pm (EST)
UTC -5:00  |  Post #20
Posted: 3/13/10, 1:03pm (EST) UTC -5:00  |  Post #20
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I know by now this might be old news by now, but maybe TIGER should have said this: :bulb



To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not changing so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup....sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care....sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop putts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. Fuck all ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me when I've put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnavik? Give me a fucking break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today folks.....see ya at Augusta !....Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.

:bowdown :drinkup :winkwink :thumbsup :evil :guitar :party :orglaugh

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